Never in a million years would I think I would be writing like this, but for some reason, as my hands type I feel comfort.
This Tuesday when I was shown my ultrasound, I new immediately something was wrong. My sweet little baby
had no heart beat, he looked small, and was tightly curled up into a comfortable little ball. As the doctor told me that we had a problem
I instantly new that the baby was gone. Looking over at Lily she had tears in her eyes, sensing something
was really wrong.
There has always been a huge controversy about when a spirit enters a babies body. I have no doubt.
I have felt so much love for this baby, and last week had felt like something was wrong. I usually feel the baby move before 20 weeks, and hadn't.
Looking at that ultrasound, I had so much love for my little baby, but new that he/she was no longer with me.
My doctor then confirmed my worst fear... I had to deliver my baby.
They started the process at 7pm Tuesday night. I felt nothing for a while, and actually got a few hours of sleep. During those
hours everything seemed like a dream, but the IVs, and contractions quickly made it real for me. In my moments
of consciousness, I could hear babies cry, and I would think they were mine. Anger would set in, after a few seconds when I realized I would never hear that. I went from happy, to angry several times that night.
My sweet little boy, came at 2am yesterday morning, weighing 1.6 oz and 5 inches long. Molds were made of his tiny hands, and feet.
I held him. I couldn't believe how perfect his little hands were. I could see his knuckles, ribs, nose, and as I looked at his little face, he had a smile.
I know this little baby boy is mine, and he always will be. I can see my dad, who died when I was just a little girl holding him til I get there.
I don't have anger towards God. My doctor said I might, but I don't. That Tuesday before my appointment, I was telling Brad how blessed I feel our lives have been.
When I came home today, I was reminded of that by the two beautiful children I have now.
I think it will take me awhile to be able to understand. I see ladies who are 5-7 months pregnant, and I get so jealous. Which is not me at all, but I do.
Don't be afraid to talk to me, or afraid to say something wrong, because deep down I really don't know how to handle it myself. Brad has been such a blessing to me. I honestly think that he is the perfect person for me.
This trial has brought us together, more than anything else we have gone through, and I am so grateful for him.
As for now, we are enjoying the holidays. The doctors are trying to find out what could have happened, and I should find out soon. Trials are given for a reason, and God has a plan for me.
His little perfect hands.
Lily is SO ready for Christmas. I told her the real reason we have Christmas is because we are celebrating Christ's birthday. She wants to buy a cake for Jesus! :)
I just love my baby boy. He is a bit crazy, but he makes me smile everyday. When I ask him to smile he gives me this big cheeser!
My grandma sent the kids these cute dolls, and Lily and Owen haven't put them down! They are so soft and cuddly, which is perfect for them. They are such huge snugglers!
