This Tuesday when I was shown my ultrasound, I new immediately something was wrong. My sweet little baby
had no heart beat, he looked small, and was tightly curled up into a comfortable little ball. As the doctor told me that we had a problem
I instantly new that the baby was gone. Looking over at Lily she had tears in her eyes, sensing something
was really wrong.
There has always been a huge controversy about when a spirit enters a babies body. I have no doubt.
I have felt so much love for this baby, and last week had felt like something was wrong. I usually feel the baby move before 20 weeks, and hadn't.
Looking at that ultrasound, I had so much love for my little baby, but new that he/she was no longer with me.
My doctor then confirmed my worst fear... I had to deliver my baby.
They started the process at 7pm Tuesday night. I felt nothing for a while, and actually got a few hours of sleep. During those
hours everything seemed like a dream, but the IVs, and contractions quickly made it real for me. In my moments
of consciousness, I could hear babies cry, and I would think they were mine. Anger would set in, after a few seconds when I realized I would never hear that. I went from happy, to angry several times that night.
My sweet little boy, came at 2am yesterday morning, weighing 1.6 oz and 5 inches long. Molds were made of his tiny hands, and feet.
I held him. I couldn't believe how perfect his little hands were. I could see his knuckles, ribs, nose, and as I looked at his little face, he had a smile.
I know this little baby boy is mine, and he always will be. I can see my dad, who died when I was just a little girl holding him til I get there.
I don't have anger towards God. My doctor said I might, but I don't. That Tuesday before my appointment, I was telling Brad how blessed I feel our lives have been.
When I came home today, I was reminded of that by the two beautiful children I have now.
I think it will take me awhile to be able to understand. I see ladies who are 5-7 months pregnant, and I get so jealous. Which is not me at all, but I do.
Don't be afraid to talk to me, or afraid to say something wrong, because deep down I really don't know how to handle it myself. Brad has been such a blessing to me. I honestly think that he is the perfect person for me.
This trial has brought us together, more than anything else we have gone through, and I am so grateful for him.
As for now, we are enjoying the holidays. The doctors are trying to find out what could have happened, and I should find out soon. Trials are given for a reason, and God has a plan for me.
His little perfect hands.
19 comments:
Oh Brittney I am so sorry to hear of your loss. That sounds like a tragic way to spend the holidays but I know you have huge support system from your family. Like all trials there is something to be learned from this experience, find out what it is and hang in there in the meantime. My prayers are with you and your beautiful family. Love you.
I'm glad you decided to post this on your blog, I have been hoping to read it ever since you told me you wrote it. You are such a dear friend to me and I have so much respect for you. Thank you for being such a great example to me. I truly do love you and your family. Thanks for letting me bring you meals even though you thought you didn't need them. :) It made me feel good to be able to help you. Let me know if you need anything else. Oh and Sesaly still hasn't forgotten that Lily never came and played in the snow with her last week so you guys better come over soon.
So sorry for your loss, sweetie. I work in a Labor and Delivery unit at Riverton IHC, and have seen far too many of these demises - I weep with the families every time. Keep every memento you have the chance to, it will bring you precious comfort as the time goes by. A wonderful book to read, and that is also good for kids is entitled "Tear Soup", it basically explains that everyone has their own timetable for grieving. Don't rush it, take your time, there is no wrong way to do it. The world will still be here when you reach the other side, it will just look a little different. Much love and many prayers for you and yours,
Shannon
I look up to you Brittney, more then you know. I'm so glad that Brad is there as a strength and comfort to you. Not to mention your Savior who knows you and knows your kind, loving heart and knows how important the family is. It's such a blessing to know that our families are with us forever... even that we can raise children after this life. You are an amazing, faithful daughter of our Heavenly Father. Cherish your children and know that His plan is a perfect one. Not one without heartache, but perfect nonetheless. I have prayed for your family and will continue doing so. I love you guys!
~kristy
Brit, my heart is completely broken for you and Brad and Lily and Owen. I couldn't believe the news when I heard. We don't know why unfair things like this happen, but we can find comfort in knowing that our Heavenly Father and Savior know and understand all of our pain. I love you so much and wish there was something I could do for you.
You are such an amazing person. I have felt such a connection to you since the day I met you. You have a light about you unlike anyone else I know. You are so strong and I know you will heal from this.
Maybe a trip to stay with us in St. George would make you feel better after the holidays?
I am so glad you decided to post this. It has made me cry... in a good way. I have always felt that writing out your feelings is good therapy for your spirit. It was great spending Thanksgiving with ya'll and just hanging out. See you in a few weeks. :)
Jill
I am so sorry Brittney. I can't even imagine what you and Brad are going through, but reading your post, I see how strong you are and what a great example you are to other women who are going through something like this. I will keep you and your gorgeous family in my prayers. XOXOXOXO
Oh Britt. Amy told me about this on Friday, and I've been thinking of you ever since. What I am most amazed at is your grace and eloquence. I am in a bit of awe right now at how positive you are. You are being just how we all hope we would be in a trial as big as this. I always say our attitude during a trial is the most important part. And you are amazing. Those little hands are beyond precious, and make it very real that there is a little person waiting for you, along with your dad. I am just so sorry that you had to go through labor and delivery. I think this shows how strong you are. We love you so much and know you will continue to be comforted and find peace. XOXO
I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling. I would give you a great big hug and some cinnamon rolls if I could.
Know that it is ok to feel sad, angry, jealous and every feeling in between.
You are an amazing person-- I admire your strength and your faith. You and your beautiful family will be in our thoughts and prayers.
I am so sorry. That really really sucks. I'm glad your husband is so supportive and your two living children are healthy and beautiful. Sweet little hands he has.
Love you Brittney, love you Brad.
Brittney I am so sorry to hear your sad news. I am glad that you have chosen to cling to your Heavenly Father instead of harboring anger. My husband and I faced some devistating news last year and what Shannon said cannot be more true! Everyone mourns differently and at their own pace. Like you, I still had 2 wonderful kids to care for and that seemed to ease things. Give yourself quite time to process things and give mourning you baby the attention that it needs to fully work your way through this. The power of the atonement is real and can heal us. Heavenly Father DOES hear and answer prayers and he WILL carry your burdens if you will give them to him. This is the testimony that I could only have gained through facing our trial. I know you will continue to have good days and bad days - but you will get through this!
Much love,
Shana
I want to do nothing more than to hug you right now. I feel such pain for you and I'm so proud of you. You are so strong. I love you and your beautiful family.
Brittney, I can't stop crying. You are my little sister and I look up to you so much. I can't imagine going through what you have this last week. His hands are so perfect. I can't wait to meet that amazing perfect little son of yours. What a reunion we will all have some day. I love you!
All I can say to this is thank you for writing this to let us know and you will be in our prayers!
Love,
Heather
Britt. I am so sorry! I don't really know what else to say except that we love you and I am glad you shared this. Please let me know if there is anything I can do ad until then know you are in my prayers.
Brittany, I know there is nothing I can say to sooth the pain you are going through and for that I am sorry. But I completely agree with you that trials are given for a reason. I have learned so much from my trails and I have learned to be grateful for mine and the things I have in my life. You are so brave to write such an intimate thing on your blog! In times of trial you have to cling to the things you're grateful for. I will keep you close in my thoughts and I wish you the best. I am so glad to call you a friend, even if its through a large distance. You are truly inspirational.
Brittney, we love you and you and your family are in our prayers! Thank you for sharing your testimony. It means a lot.
Brittany,
This is Jill (Shepard) from the Bass Lake ward. I came across your blog today through Kira's and while I am amazed and excited to find out that you have two little ones (that are quite big!) I am also so sorry to hear about your sweet little angel son.
A year ago we had a son that was stillborn and I promise you it will get better. I just want to give you a hug. It breaks my heart that you have to go through this but I am glad that you are already seeing some beauty through the fog.
I don't know much about your life now, but I know that since the time I went to Achievement Days at your mom's house right after I moved into Bass Lake ward I always have admired you. You were so kind and welcoming to me and it meant so much to me. Thank you so much for your example. I hope you and your family are doing well.
I'm sure you have plenty of people surrounding you with love, but I wanted to be another hand. If ever you want someone to talk to my email address is jillcs2@gmail.com and my blog is teamtobler.blogspot.com.
love,
Jill
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